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June's Monthly Column
Proud and Avowed
Here’s what you know: the California Supreme Court ruled on May 15th to end the ban on gay marriage within its borders and, not unexpectedly, struck a match to a gasoline-soaked fuse in the process. The reactions were both immediate and foreseeable, as gay celebrities like Ellen and George Takei announced plans to walk the aisle with their partners and a multitude of conservative and/or religious factions bellowed, hollered and raised angry fists.
All, again, beyond predictable. The emotions ensuing, outraged or gleeful, will fill the air for some time.
Yet this is precisely when it’s better to think more than feel, to step back and let the perspectives of time and distance sink in. The landmark decision came a mere two weeks before June, and June is – for the very, very uninformed – Gay Pride Month. The twin traditions of Pride (relatively new) and legal marriage (old as the hills) are now coming together almost exponentially. One gives impetus to the other for the betterment of our lives. It’s a fact, men - history opens doors sometimes and presents extraordinary opportunities. It’s up to us to then really take in what lies before us, what more is needed to keep the progress progressing, and to link these two events as they ought to be linked.
Starting with Pride…there are gay men who have had issues with it. This is understandable; many of the celebrations seem to exalt much that a lot of us have discarded in our evolution as men who happen to be gay. Yet Pride comes and the parks are bursting with guys in shorts and nothing else, with an emphasis on the sex in our sexualities, with partying. To some of us, the pride appears misplaced. How can we trumpet esteem in our totality as human beings when the stress – the occasional political booth aside – seems to be on all the frippery, all the fun stuff we’ve been traditionally blackballed for? And how can the sanctity of marriage flourish in an atmosphere so ostensibly geared for good times and the thrills of the day? Gay marriage is happening. Can we say we deserve this right even as we conduct one more year of the usual festivities?
The answer is yes, and it can be found in that perspective mentioned early on. Nothing worthwhile in terms of social change has ever been born, Athena-like, fully grown and ready for war. The road is rocky at first and those marching on it very often don’t even know it as a road. Thus was it with Pride from the start. If the straight world saw us as too intent on sex and too adolescent in our inclinations to be taken seriously, we did too. We played up to it. To a large extent, we still do, and this fuels the discomfort so many gay men feel when Pride rolls around.
But a funny thing happens over the years when one element of society seeks to make its presence known and be validated. No matter how outwardly flamboyant the trappings, no matter how seemingly backwards the behaviors displayed by that element, evolution takes place in spite of itself. Pride, real pride, is infused in its people because what we are as people can’t ever be truly suppressed. Maybe it’s the very ‘party’ aspect that does it, as far as the gay scene goes; in the midst of the revelry, we look for substance. Maybe we more clearly see, with every year’s gatherings, how the dark humor and assorted other weaponry we’ve had to employ for survival for so long just served to get us to the right place. And are, incidentally, important components we should hold onto as we march forward.
The answer also lies in the evidence before us now, a big chunk of which is the California ruling. If marriage is legal on that shore, it isn’t because the straight powers suddenly felt beneficent. It’s because, Pride excesses notwithstanding, Pride has been out there for a while and those powers now have no choice but to view us as what we always were: an integral part of this nation and this world, entitled to all the rights enjoyed by our neighbors. Of course we deserve legal marriage, as anyone of age and of any orientation does. Will there be bad gay marriages? Yes. Are there bad straight marriages? Oh, yes.
Cynically, it could be said that our increasing yearning for real commitment in our relations has validated us in the eyes of our straight cousins. We’re worthy now, implying that we weren’t before. In a sad sense, there’s some truth in that view of the process. It’s the way of the world whenever any marginalized segment of it must find its way into the light. Fortunately, it fades to nothing as the process goes on. A big part of evolution is in looking back at the earlier stages and shuddering at what it took to get past them.
But past it we are. Other states will naturally follow the California lead, as the East coast rocked when Massachusetts opened the church doors there. Pride spurs on marriage, marriage lifts Pride, and both speed the plow. We turn our backs on empty affairs and hook-ups, find meaningful attachments through mypartner, and attend the June festivities with something other than cruising on our minds. At the same time, judges scratch their heads and shred discriminatory laws. In a perfect world, again, there would be no need to prove a damn thing. Our right to marry would not ever be debated. Yet it’s a clumsy place, this world, and we all – straight and gay alike – must often face awkward turns in the road as the destination nears. It’s the getting there that matters in the end.
Gay marriage, Gay Pride. Two potent forces combining like neighboring rivers meeting to form a third, mightier than the sum of its parts. Think, guys, about where we are in history now. It merits our respect and close attention because nothing in the documented history of gay life has carried as much impact as what is occurring right now in our country. Understand as well that, like all great and just revolutions, it comes down to you. You, your humanity, your rights and your life with your partner.
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