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Volume#10 Column
The X-Factor
There’s a list floating around somewhere. It isn’t especially long – maybe five or six items on it, tops. This list is comprised of the primary reasons new relationships don’t succeed or never catch fire. And fairly high up on it is the old boyfriend, the ex, the one-time partner from the past.
What’s most interesting about this particular issue, though, is that the old boyfriend himself is usually not responsible for the trouble. If the scenario of the obsessed stalker, the guy who can’t give you up at any cost, occurs, it happens far less frequently than the more prosaic reasons. It doesn’t take a burning jealousy from an affair long in ashes to hurt your chances with a new guy. What it too often takes, in fact, is you.
Relationships are complex things and they don’t as a rule end in the tidiest of fashions. Emotions linger. The bad days become less distinct in proportion to the time passed since the break-up. Regret, second thoughts, misgivings – they all take center stage or at least give you pause from time to time. The good days come back to you and memory becomes scarily selective. After all, it was supposed to be forever and there was a lot of love fueling it. Was it right to give up? What’s perfect, anyway?
That’s all very human and understandable. It couldn’t have lasted at all had there not been good in it; missing him and what you had is normal. But it’s a treacherous foundation to stand upon when re-entering the dating world. At its worst it’s a method – usually a subconscious one – of hedging your bet. You’re tempted to keep the ex on a back burner as a possibility as you search for the man who will completely eclipse him in your heart and mind. Not realizing, naturally, that this strategy dooms the new relationship before it begins.
So many men these days are paying serious attention to how they portray themselves when seeking a relationship. They recognize how important honesty, ease and a sense of fun are in creating a profile. That’s terrific. By all means, be among that crowd as you explore the gay dating scene online. Just don’t set down a single word or upload a single photo until you’ve resolved whatever lingers from your past relationships. Understand, and understand fully, that you hopelessly undermine your chances of a successful and happy partnership when you go in with a ghost by your side.
Now, don’t see this as a bridge too far. It’s to be expected that your romantic past will leave some residual feelings and, again, that’s perfectly natural. The only imperative here is that you keep them in their proper place, emotionally and psychologically. Embrace what was great with your ex-boyfriend, deal with any anger or resentment remaining and, crucially, don’t lose sight of why it ended. Only then are you ready to log on and open up to that new, exciting man. Only then are you free to begin the relationship you are now prepared for. Which is only fair to you and to him.
To sum up: more and more men are signing up to myPartner daily, and the opportunities to find him get more promising all the time. You just need to be there, wholly yourself and unencumbered by shadows. Forgive the irony, but you’ve got to put the old boyfriend to bed before you step out again.
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